I write this with a heavy heart and through many tears. I am weepy and highly emotional again today Lord. But I feel my hard heart softening which needs to happen. It's hard and unwanted, but necessary. The hurt needs to heal, so I must face some tough realities. But through the healing, I sense your love...your deep, amazing, unending love...and I am so so grateful... so grateful...thank you Lord...
The loneliness is hard. It was hard when I was married too. But now it seems really hard. I'm sad, Lord. Not because she's gone, though maybe I should be, but because I don't know if I'll ever have the opportunity to give my love to someone again. I don't know if I'll find someone who loves me. I don't know if you'll allow that because I wasn't a very good steward of the marriage that you gave me. I'm so sorry...I know that my part was significant in its failure, and I'm so sorry 😞...
Maybe it's wrong of me to be glad that she's gone; to no longer be lied to, or no longer have my attempts at loving her be rejected, or no longer be rejected because of my love for you, or no longer have to worry about gambling debt. If it's wrong then I'm sorry...
Maybe it's wrong of me to hope for a woman who wants my love...who I can pour my love deeply into and love unconditionally. Maybe it's wrong because you gave me that opportunity and I blew it. Maybe there are no second chances because you require us to be good stewards of what you have given us. And I did not steward my marriage well. I did not love her like Christ loved the church. I did not pour my love deeply into her. I did not care for her as I should have, or nurture our relationship. I am selfish...my actions and behavior caused much of the isolation in our marriage. I over looked her and my children so that I could do "greater things" and pursue my own selfish desires. Please forgive me Father 😪... I am so, so sorry...so very sorry 😞...
I know Lord that you are with me and will help me through this. I do hope to find a woman who has deep faith, who I love deeply, who loves me deeply, who will live life together with me. This is my deepest desire. Maybe it's a selfish desire. But I don't think so...
You have been speaking to me and revealing your love to me. Your amazing love ❤️. You've revealed this desire to me once again. Thank you...
Your love has diverted my attention away from sinful behavior and longing for the world and its ways; away from myself to others who are in deep need. It is revealing to me how to love unconditionally (without expecting anything in return). It is a difficult lesson...it is heart breaking...it causes much pain and hurt. But isn't that what unconditional love is? Love with no strings attached. "He could have run, but He chose to stay"... "This is Love, that a man lay down his life for a brother or sister". Most people don't understand and are not willing to sacrifice their lives for others. I can't say that I blame them...it's not easy. In fact it's hard. Hard because the love we pour out may not be reciprocated, leaving us to feel unappreciated and unloved. I think you experience this frequently Lord Jesus. How much you love without ever receiving love in return.
But again, this is where I failed in my marriage. I could have and should have loved despite receiving love in return. Maybe if I did, things would be different and our marriage would not have failed... I don't know. I will never know.
I messed up and I am sorry Father. I do ask for another chance. If you decide to give it to me, I don't want to make the same mistakes. I want to love someone who wants to be loved. I want to give all of my love to them. My desire is to be with a woman with whom I share faith with. I dearly value and so much appreciate meaningful conversations and discussions about faith. To share life with someone who values the same would truly be a blessing.
Thank you Lord for listening to me this morning and for pouring out your love to me. I don't know how I could go on without you. Thank you...
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