Life: Susan

Part 4 in the Life series.

She was nervous. She hadn't seen or spoken to him in over a year, since the divorce was final. She couldn't stand to, it was too painful. When they got married, she loved Ted so much. Toward the end of their marriage, she could hardly stand him. Her bitter feelings toward him because of his selfishness caused her to resent him. All he cared about was himself. Working, hunting and fishing- he never made any time for her. And that trash that he watched made her feel disrespected, dishonored, unattractive and devalued as a woman. She had always thought of herself as a beautiful woman, but apparently not beautiful enough if her husband was fantasizing about having sex with other women. This made her angrier than any of the other things. What was wrong with her? Why did he have to look at pornography when he had her? He rarely wanted to be intimate with her because of the pornography. Not that she wanted to be intimate with him anyway, because she had difficulty even being with him. She had lost all respect and admiration she ever had for him. She did not love him any more. She couldn't take it anymore, this life of loneliness, pain and hopelessness. There was no purpose in staying married. She had to leave him.

Susan was past most of this now. After they were divorced, she started going to church after being invited, relentlessly, by her friend Carrie. At work, she liked Carrie, but she was a little over the top for Susan; always talking about Jesus and God and church. Not that Susan didn't believe in God and Jesus, because she did, but she didn't want to spend all of her time at church and certainly would never push her own beliefs onto someone else. The fact of the matter was, she stopped going to church when she was a teenager and she and Ted never went to church or incorporated God into any part of their lives. So, listening to Carrie talk irritated her a little  but at the same time, Carrie was a good friend and listener and was always there for Susan through the divorce. Carrie had a quiet disposition and a certain, almost supernatural, knowledge and wisdom about her that intrigued Susan. She could trust her and tell her anything, which was very comforting and helpful to Susan during the tough times, especially through the divorce. Susan never felt judged by her. She seemed like she really cared. She seemed real. She seemed genuine. Carrie's realness caused Susan to completely trust her and their friendship blossomed. Susan finally accepted one of Carrie's invitations to church. She wanted to see why Carrie cared so much about her. She wanted to see what it was that made Carrie want to talk so much to her and to others about Jesus. At the time, none of it made sense to her, but now she was beginning to understand. Jesus was changing her. Jesus' love and forgiveness was filling her heart. For the first time in her life, she understood what Jesus had done for her on the cross. She understood the love that He had for her to actually die for her. She looked at herself as unlovable and as ugly, that no one would ever do anything for her, yet this man died for her. This truth touched her deeply. Because of the power of the love that Jesus had for her, she felt great compassion for Ted and was able to forgive him for everything.

Now, as she drove to the hospital to see the man she once loved with all of her heart, nervous and fearful thoughts flooded her mind. She was deeply concerned for Ted and hoped that he was alright. The accident had tossed him through the windshield and he was injured severely. The other vehicle's driver, a young woman, was banged up and bruised, but survived with some minor injuries. Her infant son was not so fortunate. He was killed on impact. Susan could not fully understand the weight of the loss this woman was going through, but since hearing of the accident, she often became filled with sorrow and sadness and found herself crying as she prayed for her. She could not imagine the unbearable pain she must have. She wondered if she had Jesus to provide her with strength through this tragedy.

Susan found herself strangely afraid of what would happen to Ted with all of this. A year ago she wouldn't  have cared if he had been severely injured or killed or spent the rest of his life in prison. Now, she found herself afraid for him, hoping he was alright. Hoping he would not die or go to prison if he lived. Hoping, if he was going to die, that he had a relationship with Jesus. If not, that she would have the opportunity to talk to him. She was afraid. As she drove to the hospital crying in anguish for her ex-husband, she cried out to her God for help.