Born Again

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come."

2 Corinthians 5:17

Jessica and I moved up here from south-eastern Michigan in 1999 hoping to find a slower-paced lifestyle and a new beginning for our marriage. We had been married for about three years, and were already in need of a life-makeover. Our marriage was on the rocks because of the party lifestyle that we held. The partying led to very unhealthy relationships with other women that almost ended our marriage. There were many nights after work where I would go to the bar and not even call Jessica to let her know where I was. Alcohol became an addiction. On top of that, I was also addicted to pornography. I didn't understand at the time how this was affecting Jessica or our marriage, or that running away from the problems wouldn't solve anything. We just wanted some relief from the problems, so I found a job and we headed north. 

Part of the reason we came here, was because of my love for the outdoors. My brother moved up this way several years earlier, so we would come up to visit him and go camping and fishing. It's one of the most beautiful areas in Michigan, surrounded by vast wilderness and plenty of lakes- an outdoorsman's haven. I was beginning to get back into hunting and fishing, so for me, the thought moving to this part of the world was very intriguing. My reasons were selfish. I gave very little thought to growing closer to Jessica or to raising a family here. Jessica came along only because she loved me and wanted me to be happy and she wanted us to grow closer together. She longed for a happy, joyful marriage, so was willing to go along with what I wanted to do.

God was not a part of our life yet, but I have no doubt He brought us here.

At my new job, I became pretty good friends with the guy who trained me and showed me the ropes. He would come over and watch  Red Wings hockey games and have a couple of beers with Jessica and I. He is big into hunting and fishing so we would go out fishing and scouting together. He was also a Christian who would frequently talk to me about God. I didn't really want to hear it, but I'm not the kind of guy to be rude and tell him that. Since then, he's shared stories with me about how God has answered countless prayers of his. I don't know for sure, but he may have been praying for me those years before finally accepting Christ as my Lord and Savior. Regardless, God was interceding in my life and I had no idea. 

 Jessica and I do have some Christian roots. Not deep roots, but roots none the less. Jessica comes from a Catholic background. She tells the story of how her mom became very sick and therefore her family stopped going to Mass. The priest told her that she was going to go to hell because they no longer attended church. Her family pretty much stopped going to church permanently after that. She had friends who were involved with their churches, so she would attend their gatherings and events from time to time. 

I come from a Lutheran background. My parents put my brothers and I in Sunday School at the church where my grandmother and some of my aunts, uncles and cousins attended, basically the family church. We were baptized at this church and went through Confirmation class which also included attending church services to write a sermon report, serving Communion, lighting the candles, etc. As soon as my parents allowed (probably in high school), I quit going to church because it was boring and God was irrelevant to my life. Jessica and I got married at this church and attended a few times before moving away.

By 2003, life had toned toned down quite a bit from where it had been. Our oldest daughter, Tyler was two years old, and Renae was born in August of that year. Being parents now, we felt a greater sense of responsibility. We would still drink, but not to the extent we had before. We didn't have many friends, so we would hang out and drink with my brother and sister in-law. My job demanded a lot of time and I spent alot of time in the outdoors hunting and fishing, but would always take along some beer for the adventure.
It was about this time that we decided to go to church on Christmas Eve. We had no idea how that night would change our lives.

The atmosphere in the church was beautiful, as expected for a Christmas Eve service. The lights were turned down low and there was candle light as the entire church sang, "Silent Night" at the end of the service. I had never seen a church drama performed by adults before, but they had one that night. The pastor and a young woman sang, "O, Holy Night". The pastor gave a message about that first Christmas son long ago. He said things about the Biblical account that I never heard before, things that intrigued me. For the first time in my life, Christmas had a deeper meaning and for some reason, I was drawn to learn more about the Bible.

That following year, my buddy from work gave me tickets to see The Passion of the Christ. I never realized how much pain and suffering Jesus went through! It was shocking! He went through that kind of torture- and for me? It was overwhelming. I had no idea. I suddenly had an amazing reverence for this man who suffered so much for me. I had to see if it was true for myself, if the movie was accurate with the Bible. I went home, blew the dust off the Bible my grandmother and aunt gave me so many years earlier for my confirmation, and read all four Gospel accounts that night. I was blown away.

Soon after that, Jessica was diagnosed with cancer. It was a scary time in our lives. We continued going to church periodically. Often times, she wouldn't go because she needed to rest from the chemo, so I would go without her. I wanted to go. The music was cool and whenever I went, I learned something new. It was as if God was speaking right to me.  I had never heard about having a relationship with Jesus before. I would look around at other people and wonder if they were feeling the same way I felt. I never wanted the sermons to end. The pastor would assign Scripture to read for the week, so I became immersed in the Bible. Then I started reading Christian books and listening to Christian radio. I could not get enough of God.

As the pastor taught out of James in a series about obedience to Christ, many things in my life did not line up with how God wanted us to live. The conviction was overwhelming at times. I had reverent fear of the Lord and such deep gratitude for what Jesus had done for me that I had to live my life all for Him; nothing short would do. One time when Renae was a baby, I was bouncing her on my lap after smoking a cigar. All I could think about was how awful my smoky breath must be to her. I immediately stopped smoking and chewing tobacco. The Lord had already given me the strength to stop drinking alcohol and now the strength to quit the nicotine addiction, effortlessly I might add, but that wouldn't be all. I soon felt convicted about my porn addiction as God spoke to me through the girls that He gave to me for children. It wasn't anything they said or did. How could I look upon another woman lustfully and protect my girls from men doing the same thing to them? I was also learning about God's way of being a husband and father through Christian radio. As a Christian man, God gave me one woman, whom I am to love and adore for life. Her body is the only body I am allowed to see and that I should want to see and she is the only woman that I am allowed to be with and that I should want to be with. These things impacted me heavily and there was no place in my new life with Christ for any of it.

Jessica overcame the cancer, three times. I was not there for her as much as I should have been. I was excited about this new life, but was still learning and I what I did learn, I was sometimes afraid to apply to our family. I could sense resistance from her, as if she wasn't interested in the new life that had been given to us. I wanted nothing more than to glorify God by living in obedience to Him, but I was over-zealous and did not always say or do things in a gentle or loving way. My expectations were unachievable. I could not figure out why she was not grabbing a hold of this. Jessica resented me and my new found faith for this. She thought that it was going to cause me to leave her. She sunk into a dark depression where she would eventually emerge, several years later in 2011, a renewed and transformed woman.

I cannot describe the differences in Jessica or in our marriage and family. It's amazing. God has brought us such a long way. We struggled through some very difficult times, when we both felt like giving up. It was the Lord's strength that held us together. God  performed a wonderful healing in her and out of the the ashes rose a beautiful woman. We are closer than we've ever been and for the first time in our marriage, we're not battling against one another. I give thanks to the Lord for her and for my children and for the new life in Christ that He has given us. He is worthy of our praise.